Omg! Love it! Cant find L*****
What!!?? Like after last night you lost her?
Yea me and L***** came back to out hotel at 3am to regroup then went back out; police and 2 bars later, I don't know what happened. Vegas is nuts!
Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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