Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
we should paint friendship bongs
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
