my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
