hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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