I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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