We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
