we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
There's a naked man in my car right now.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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