You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
