I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Randomize
