i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
