mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
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