He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
