My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
