I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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