so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
