You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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