There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
