At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
