I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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