Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
