i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
