is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
