I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
