If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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