ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Randomize
