i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
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