She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
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