can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
