I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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