yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
