remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
