Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
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