I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
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