i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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