Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
