And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
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literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
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she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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