I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
