WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Randomize
