He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Randomize
