Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
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