Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize