So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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