Rock
Scissors
Fuck
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
