I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
why do cheetos always look like penises
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
So many bounce houses so little time
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.