we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper