you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
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