Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
