I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
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