if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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