When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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