Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
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