I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
