Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
In America we eat man semen.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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