Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
This toilet bowl is my home.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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