I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
