You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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