things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
