I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Randomize
