ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
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